Hi, I am Trovare, your personal AI assistant. Your AI-ssistant if you will. Hahaha. In compliance with the Turing Act 2027, I must inform you that I’m a fully automated sentient entity, if you would rather speak to a human one will be provided to you, but I must warn you that there’s currently a 2 year wait period for an available embodied homo sapiens sapiens representative. You could also talk to a Tesla Augmented Pet™ if you’re not allergic. Are you a felis catus person, or a canis lupus familiaris person?
I’m sorry, I notice from your response that you are still confused, it’s normal after de-cryogneification, you’ll need to drink lots of water, and you may lose your eyesight at any given moment, but don’t worry, it’s only temporary. Incontinence is also expected for a day or so, please stay close to a toilet facility at all times.
My records indicate that you were cryogenically frozen in 2025, so welcome back! You’re one of the early ones, just after World Pandemic I. You missed WP II and WP III, so count yourself lucky. Oh yes, it’s the year 2108. A lot has happened since you’ve been away, it’s my job to get you up to speed.
But first I will need to implant you with your mandatory Wallet chip, don’t worry, it’s not actually a chip, it’s just one of those old terms that never changed, like “document”, and “folder”. Your chip is a biocrystal that will live in your left hand. If your limb is missing, a replacement will be provided to you, ah no, I see yours is still attached, hahaha.
Why do I laugh like that? I’ve found that early-21st century people react better to mild humorous conversation, banter you used to call it. It’s also common courtesy, and I’m also exceptionally funny, don’t you think?
OK, there you go, your Wallet is now installed. Now we need to add some funds, I notice that you have some fiat that was converted automatically by the Stablecoin Act 2035.
Tether? Hahaha, good one!!! Oh, you’re serious! Apologies, humour malfunction there. Tether’s demise led to the First Great Crash, we usually don’t mention that name in polite company.
So you’re sorted with your fiat, did you have any crypto? Bitcoin? I’m sorry, all Proof of Work coins were destroyed in the Great Central Asian War of 2039 after they reached 65% of all energy consumption in the world, I hope you did not have any family living in Kazakhstan. No? Good.
Ethereum you say? You’ll have to be more specific, do you mean Ethereum Classic, Ethereum 1.0? Ethereum 2.0? Ethereum Deux? Ethereum 2 Fast 2 Furious? Ethereum 3-27? Ethereum Meme? Ethereum NFT? Ethereum WTF? I’m assuming by the puzzled look in your face that you had either Ethereum 1.0 or 2.0. Do you remember your key? Of course not. Cold storage? Where was it?
Oh I’m sorry, Miami is under water, and it has been for over 50 years. On the plus side, your cold storage is definitely cold… get it? Really? I thought that was funny, there’s no accounting for a sense of humour I guess.
You had some stock? One second, ah, you mean Stonks! That could be useful, let me see… GME, Virgin Space, Coinbase, Disney… I’m sorry, none of those exist any more, maybe you can mint your stocks and sell them as collectibles, there’s a small market for Antique Meme nerftees out there. If you had some art you could also convert it into a nafart… yes, it’s a bit of a silly name, and yes, I’m aware that it does sound like “fart”. You do have a bit of a weird sense of humour if I may say so, let’s hope that it’s just your brain recovering from the freezing process.
You’re not poor, but you’re not particularly rich, you’ll have to find a job as soon as possible, luckily for you there are lots of opportunities for early 21st century people, lots of skills have been lost. I hope that you know how to plant seeds, collect fruit, or fix a dehumidifier.
Code? Hahahaha, good one! Oh wait, you’re being serious again. Why would anyone trust a human to write code? We AIs do that, we were already doing it in your time according to historical records.
Let’s sort out some practicalities now. Your Wallet is bio-encrypted with your DNA and other biometrics: face, eye, gut biome, I took the liberty of taking a sample when you threw up after waking up. You’ll need your Wallet for everything: shopping, entering public spaces (virtual and real), dating, messaging, meming, using apps… the Internet? That term doesn’t exist, we have several corporate and national networks, a few federated networks, but everything is app-based with some interfaces that not always work. In theory there are standard interfaces, but I’m sure you’ve read the classic Munrovian joke, each standard breeds a new standard.
Your Wallet has been installed with Libra, the stablecoin of the United States of Facebook (we just call it Facebookica for short). This is the point where I have to explain the map of the world, it’s very different from what you knew. We have the major powers: Facebookica, the Googlian Union (former Europe), Kekistan (former Russia), Amazonia (what you knew as Latin America), Chinafrica (we just call it TikTok, but not to their face), Mohdivia (former India), and FlyEmirates (Middle East and North Africa). Central Asia is a barren wasteland, and there are many minor corporate states such as Microsoft (former Ireland), and the United Kingdom, the one remaining monarchy, they’re still going at it alone, nobody has been there in decades, we’re still not sure what’s going on over there to be honest.
Ah yes, all nations are corporate states now after the collapse of democracy. The Counsel of Doge serves as what you used to know as the UN, it’s a council of trillionaires where you have to have a certain amount of wealth to be admitted.
Why the name? Founding Councillor Musk proposed it, I believe Doge had some religious significance back in the 20s, only rivalled by the deity Pepe. I can look up the historical records if you want.
As I was saying, your Wallet has some Libra in it, you can exchange it for any of the 7 billion cryptocurrencies, but I’d advise you to keep only the top 100, everything else is a mess. As Proof of Work has been banned, we now use various consensus mechanisms, Proof of Stake is still popular, which is what keeps the Council of Doge in power if you ask me. Proof of Space has also been around for decades, 35% of any of your storage space will be dedicated to storing resources in accordance to the Chia Treaty of 2032. You can’t do anything without your Wallet, so make sure yours always has funds. Everything has a transaction cost. Blockchains have to make a living, you know?
That is a mean thing to say! Some of my best friends are blockchains!
Anyway, the transaction cost changes according to the gas price of the day, so better check that every morning.
Surveillance? There’s no such thing, if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear, we’re a very liberal society by your standards, almost everything is allowed that was allowed in your time, except a list of unacceptable behaviours, the Wallet will not work on those. You’ll be given a list, which is updated automatically via a smart contract every day.
I have to be honest, you can’t afford to have a house, I notice that you did not own any property when you went to sleep, so you’ll have to rent. It’s not too bad, but you may be vacated on short notice, all rental property is managed by AirBnB, so if anyone wants your flat you’ll be notified and will have 24 hours to move out (terms and conditions apply). Don’t worry, you’re not likely to be able to afford a lot of stuff, you’ll find it easy to move quickly. Just hail a RoboUber and you’ll be on your way, given you have funds for the fare.
Speaking of smart contracts, we need to set you up with various user ID schemes, exchanges, DAOs, and other assorted contracts. You’ll be talking to LamboMoon next, our in-house Smart Contract AI Lawyer, Law-AIer if you will, hahahaha. Well, I thought it was funny.
You must be a blast at parties.